when children attack

August 15, 2007

today’s morally ambiguous question from the internet: Suppose in a post apocalyptic world, you are a lone surviver. Then an army of five year old kids swarm you from all sides, hellbent on your demise. You have no weapons, only your punches and kicks can save you know. These kids have a bit of training in hand to hand combat, and are so drugged up on red cordial they won’t stop from trying to kill you, even if they see their best friend’s head ripped from his body. So how many do you think you could take (knock out or kill) before they overcome you? How many if you had a friend helping out?

After some discussion on the topic last night with bizzle, we decided that it would be less than you imagine, seeing as five year olds aren’t that helpless (think nathaniel two years ago) and when they all swarm you, your movements would be somewhat restricted, especially if they do that thing where they clamp onto your legs. Also, continual fighting is somewhat exhausting, and even though they’re small, it would still take effort to keep taking them out.
Our original conservative guesses were 10-15, but after thinking about it we managed to talk each other up to about 20-30 kids, doubled (or more) when with a helper. Tactics would include wearing boots and thick clothing, wielding an incapacitated kid as a make-shift weapon, and running around.

disclaimer: i didn’t make up this question, kids are awesome and i wouldn’t actually want to harm them in any way.

:: By mizzle 7 Comments


  1. Such a great question to ponder, though I too share your disclaimer. Being the unfit being that I am, I decided that lots of anaerobic exercise would be needed as well as well as some strength work. On the forum I was reading about it some guy said he could take “more than 100”- which is ridiculous. I am also thinking that the kids would benefit from their training more than the one adult. I would like to hear Sam and Joel’s predictions for themselves. Erin said that Josh and I couldn’t take three because at Davids Club the sometimes overpower us, then again we are being careful cause it is one thing to make them cry accidentally but to knock them out, hmmm.

    Comment by huw bizzle — August 15, 2007 #

  2. skywalker and me could take 15 up.

    Comment by josh rayson — August 15, 2007 #

  3. I could take at least twice as many as Huw and Josh combined, i don’t think 100 is that unrealistic. A 5 year old kid wouldn’t really put up much of a fight… Davids club as huw said is very different as you are trying your best not to hurt the kids at all. That said Josh took Nathaniel out in the swing of a door at the end of it last week, slamming one (or more, i couldn’t get close enough to be able to tell) of his fingers in the cupboard door.

    Comment by Andrew — August 15, 2007 #

  4. talk it up sunshine! :P

    Comment by huw bizzle — August 16, 2007 #

  5. i could take em

    Comment by winky — August 16, 2007 #

  6. I think the limiting factor for Mizzle and Bizzle would not be the power of the kids, but the limit of your hearts. A more interesting question perhaps, who would have a heart attack first?

    Comment by grizzle — August 16, 2007 #

  7. We could easily take a hundred together fo sure!

    Comment by Sam and Joel — August 17, 2007 #

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